The Deal Lucille

Sep 08 2009

Jon Gosselin 2.0

He’s gone from the resort cruising, chick schmoozing, bachelor pad choosing reality show dude to the poor, misunderstood, everyday guy who was abused by his vicious, evil stepmother while his stepsisters…

Ooops. Wrong story.

Here’s the deal, Jon-boy:

Yes, your soon-to-be ex-wife seemed to my tired old eyes to bear a striking resemblance to Medusa. Yes, you certainly would have been justified if you had taken off the microphone in the middle of one of her mini-tirades and said: "That’s it. I’m done. Shows finished. I don’t need this crap.", and walked off, never to return.

But you didn’t. You sat there and took it. Week after week. Paycheck after paycheck. Ski trip after… Well, you get the picture. Now you want to whine about it; play the victim: "Poor Jon. Look what that mean old Kate did to him." Sniffle-sniffle. Cue the violins.

Wake up call.

Nobody feels sorry for you. Nobody’s going to feel sorry for you. Not because what you say about Kate is necessarily untrue, but because you have behaved (in my humble opinion) like a complete and total douchebag. You blew your public image the minute you got on that yacht and let them take that picture of you puffing a cigarette with what’s her name. Then, you made it worse by cruising the streets and bars with blonde what’s her name. Then, it was back with…never mind. I lost track.

Anyway, all you had to do was keep a low profile. Do a George Clooney. You’d have had it made.

Now, you want to go on the TeeVee with your fresh scrubbed face and high school hair cut and whine about how abused you were, and how mean old Kate is the true villain of the story.

Sorry to have to say it, buddy, but that ain’t gonna wash.

So, here’s some advice:

Grow up. Stay away from the cameras. Keep your fly closed, and keep your sh*t as low key as low can be. Then, with any luck, in about a month or so, the world will have mostly forgotten about you, and you can low-key your way to doing whatever you want to do. Very quietly. Just like Clooney.

Or not.